Bereaved parents more likely to die early – Parentdish
This is thoroughly depressing research yet it doesn’t come as a surprise.
I am a bereaved mother which means I have a four times higher risk of dying within 15 years of my baby’s death, just 11 more years to go then!
Grieving certainly takes its toll. Since my son died I have continued to work, continued to raise my children, continued on as best I can to the best of my ability. I have continued to function well but my physical and emotional health has definitely been affected.
Stress, anxiety, tiredness, headaches and depression have all hit me over the last four years.
I have had to learn to listen to my body, to slow down, to hide away when I need to, to talk when I need to and to cry when I need to. Grief doesn’t end, it doesn’t stop. It eases but some days it can be as raw as ever. We don’t reach a day when the pain truly goes away.
I am very fortunate – I am surrounded by beautiful, amazing, supportive people – my family and my friends have helped me when I have been at my lowest, they have listened, they have kept my son’s memory alive and I have had to move away from the people who just don’t get it, who have expected me to bounce back as if nothing has happened, who don’t acknowledge my boy and the effect he has had.
This research doesn’t come as a surprise simply because losing a child is a hell that no-one can prepare for, that no-one knows how to deal with and that no-one really talks about. Some people just doesn’t know what to say to a person who has lost a baby, it can seem easier to avoid that person or just not mention it at all – and that just adds to the feelings of isolation.
From the outside, many bereaved parents look like they are continuing on as normal so we are not avoided or considered to be broken. But to do this hides an incredible pressure, which usually spills out when that front door is closed and you can be on your own. We often spare the feelings of other people by not mentioning the fact that our baby is dead. We can feel the need to detach ourselves from other people because we simply dread being asked if we have children, or how many do we have? It has been four years and I still struggle with this. I have three children but, sometimes, I need to say I have two because it isn’t appropriate or I just don’t want to go through it again. Every such conversation hurts.
I don’t know what the answer is but, as 17 babies die everyday, that is a lot of parents who are suffering. No-one can fix the broken heart but there must be a way of providing more support.
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